I'm in Shock

You know the dribbly, poohey audition I did yesterday? Well...

I got the fucking job!

Oh my god. I have been speechless.

Who won the If Awards damn it?!?!?!?! I only caught the end.

The Proposition? Best film? Are they on drugs? It was not a good film!!!!!!!!! Look Both Ways and Little Fish shat all over it. Who cares if Nick Cave wrote it? It was a shit script.

OK. Breathing now.

I gotta get outa this little bubble soon and get back in touch with what's going on out there.

People are starving to death in Niger.

Random Ramblings From a Busy Blogger/Absentee

Well clearly I didn't mean that I had been busy blogging but rather with life beyond the 'sphere. You know, doing "stuff".

Boring stuff.

Just allowed some shamefully bad acting to dribble out of my bottom in an audition for a role I really wanted in a play I love with a director who I ADORE! Fuck! Why do I screw the ones I want and nail the ones I don't? Sabotage? Ugh.

Had sex with two different friends of mine in a dream the other night. But you know the dreams where you are having sex but it's not in the least bit sexy or arousing? What a waste of sex in a dream! I don't get sex in my dreams often so, come on!

Anyway, it's always weird when you wake up from the dream but it was even weird in the dream. I remember thinking "what am I doing?" Especially because the sex with the second friend (no, it wasn't with both at once, damn it - that might have qualified as sexy) was AWFUL!

I almost told him. I was going to tell him how bad he was in bed too. Thank fuck I didn't. I often speak before I think and am far too honest. That would have been way awkward.

So, as I have resumed my job as an organic green grocer, expect to hear much over excited updates on what's hot and not in the market. Oh yeah, darcy'll bring you the latest on the seasonal do's and don'ts in the fruit and veg land.

At the moment DO: avocado. Oh YEAH baby. Touch me! Creamy Hass goodness.

Bananas were rocking last week.

Golden kiwi - just do it!

Little red capsicum...mmm...

and...not much else to rave about. All the standards are good, as usual. Still enduring a seasonal change over.

Asparagus still good and we have some sexy herbs if you don't grow 'em.

If you have to eat apples this far out of season, only do pink ladies. Don't even look at the others.

DON'T: pumpkin. Just wait alright? Til Autumn.

And don't be too tempted by stone fruit and mangoes yet. They'll get cheaper and way better.

Also don't pay $5.95 for a punnet of strawbs. Unless you try them first and they are outstanding and you can't live without them. (Ours are way cheaper now).

Aahhh, the wisdom; the insight.

x

Lazy Bitch Loveless Blog

Ooh, what a surprise, darcy's taking time out.

It's 'cause life is boring and busy again and painting, plastering, grouting, digging, hauling shit around, fixing, cleaning, shopping, reading, auditioning, looking for work and doing my tax does not make for good reading, nor fuel the imagination.

Maybe marching does but hopefully you were there anyway.

So, later dudes.

x

The Animal Circus is in Brunswick

The K9 is home, looking like a FREAK!!! Half a shaved head and ear, pink, spotty skin showing through, terrible, lumpy stitching...and a cone. Poor, poor baby.

Very happy though. Running into everything with a big "doink" and getting the bottom of it caught on the ground and steps. He has a completely distorted sense of space. Hilarious. He will be known as the Mayor of Coney Island for the next two weeks.

Pussy cat is regaining his appetite and spark and is as smoochy as ever. He too looks a bit odd with shaved front legs. He was thrilled to have the dog back and so curious about his cone. Seemed a bit disturbed actually.

Thank god (so to speak). So the house has become a sanctuary for strange looking healing animals.

Bless.

Thanks well wishers.

x

If Beer is Currency, How Many is a Life Worth? - Love Blog Number 4

Another thing I love about Australia is that it is probably one of the only countries in the world where you can take a station wagon full of green waste to the tip, be let in after hours by someone who doesn't work there, take another load in the next morning and have the staff joyfully accept a six pack of beer for the lot of it, instead of the cash I owed them.

I am, however a little distressed today and need advice.

Picked up the cat from the hospital today and swapped it for the dog. My dog needs to get a heinous lump (prob benign tumor) removed from his head. The vet suggested that although they have surgeons at the Lort Smith who are qualified to do it, I might be better off taking him to see a specialist as the procedure would be safer and the outcome possibly better, although she could not tell me in which ways.

The consultation with the specialist alone would cost $95 and the surgery over $1000! I took him to the Lort Smith in the first place, on advice from my vet, in order to save money as I am

a.)unemployed

b.) haven't anything left from my last job and

c.)will be resuming work as a green grocer next week - a job from which I don't plan to make my millions.

She was worried that it may not look great when it was finished. I said I didn't care what it looked like, and nor does the dog, but I didn't want to compromise my dog's health or make the wrong decision based on money. Anyway, after some discussion I decided to leave the dog there to have surgery tomorrow.

It will still cost between $450 and $575. (The cat just set me back $384.20). I broke down in tears in front of the receptionist when she asked me how much I could pay today. I actually sat there and wept and didn't know how to answer her. I just passed her my credit card. How pathetic.

So what I'm wondering folks is:

a.) are there any surgeons out there who will operate on my dog for a six pack?

b.)am I a bad parent?

c.)does anyone want to adopt a beautiful 15yr old cat or dog?

d.)does anyone have a high paid job for me?

Thanks for listening.

Oh Crap! I Might Have Killed My Lemon Tree.

My poor baby. My beautiful lemon tree.

I didn't mean it, I just went a bit sick with my new pruning hand saw. Totally the wrong time of year to prune a lemon tree, I am aware, but it was getting desperate. Or I was.

It was too big for it's boots. Too high, too low, too banging into walls and too shading the rest of the garden. I couldn't wait til March.

So I went the hack.

And now my lemon tree looks like Lyle Lovett.

If I haven't killed it then I have definitely given it a very wrong and bad hair cut. I feel like the mother of a barely teenage son. You can hear me insisting "it's for your own good," in a well meaning but intensely irritating voice. And now he has to stand in the school yard, all awkward and ashamed to be alive, whilst girls snicker at him and boys throw rocks at him...just wanting to die...running into his room when he comes home, locking the door, throwing himself on his bed in tears and yelling "I HATE YOU MUM! I hate you! I hay-ay-ate y-y-you..." And me, knowing that I fucked the haircut up. That I subjected my only son to this torment through my haste and sheer lack of care during the hair cutting process.

Oh! What have I done!!!!?????? My little lemmy wemmy. My squeezy, yummy, citrus baby. I'm so sorry. I'm so sorry. I'm so so-o-o-rry.

I seem to be screwing everything up at the moment, or everything around me is going wrong or breaking.

I burnt the beetroot last night, to a blackened crisp. Thought there was enough water in the pot to last the few minutes it would take me to dash to the shops but came home to that "uh-oh" smell. Didn't know what to do so I took to the streets in sheer desperation with a placard made of cardboard and crayon, bearing the words "SAVE THE BEETROOT!". No-one cared. Not even my Middle Eastern neighbours. I thought they'd understand. What else am I supposed to put my pomegranate molasses on? They sold it to me!

My car's broken, my cat's broken (he's in hospital), my dog's broken (he's going to hospital on Wednesday), my shovel went missing (who steals a shovel? Yesterday's was borrowed)...at least my spirit's not broken.

Why does everything go wrong when you're unemployed? Fuck life's expensive!

It's fuckin' good though and I love it.

Blundstones and Bikinis - Love Blog Number 3

The above, plus hot pants, sunnies and gloves, was my attire for my gardening mission today. With a big shovel.

What a day! Gorgeous. I spent it ripping out the old, waist high vegie garden, putting in new manure, compost, pea straw and vegies.

YUMMY!!!!!!

I would have done it topless but I have a gaping gap in my side gate.

Got grimy and stinky and all scratched up from my lemon tree. An awesome day all round.

Finally decided that if any of my neighbours were nosy enough to come and peer through my side gate then they deserved to cop an eye load of boob and thus removed the bikini.

And now I have a third nipple.

Yes folks. It's not funny. I went to the bathroom to clean a cut in my dirt embedded fingernail and soon discovered, beneath the chicken poo and sweat, a massive bite on my left breast. I can't feel it but it is about 5 times the size of a fresh mozzie bite with a gaping red areola around it. It is, in fact, competing with my real nipple for attention...and winning.

Not pretty.

But who cares? I had the best day.

After cleaning up and showering I sat down to a nice cold bee- gin and tonic and planned what I will cook this Summer.

Divine.

So you are all invited around this January for some kind of feast involving tomatoes, corn, basil, parsley, rainbow chard, chilli, beetroot, mint, lettuce, lemon and lime.

Favourite thing today: Australia. Do we live in the best country or what? Fuck we're lucky. If it weren't for the politics and the odd racist or Spring Carnival going fashion disgrace, this country'd be Utopia.

PS This is blog no.2 today. If you want to find out what I was like earlier today, before I was in such a good mood, or what I thought of last night's venture to the theatre, read below blog.

Darcy's Review of Metamorphosis...The One at the Malthouse (Warning - This is Not a Love Blog)

Metamorphosis
A Play by Ben Ellis
From the Original Novella by Franz Kafka
Directed by Ben Winspear
Performed at The Malthouse
by a Bunch of Fuckin' Actors*

Review by darcy:

Boring.

So boring.

So, sooo boring.

So fucking, terribly boooooooooooooorrrriiiiiiiiiing.

Oh Christ.

Oh my. Oh dear. Oh wow, just how boring can you get? You are by the far the most boring thing I've had to endure this year. No really, I think you've just out boringed everything I've ever been bored by. Ever.

Oh, I know, slap me over the face with some theatre. No, please, I want you to. Be bigger. Be more obvious. Squeeze a few more worn to death themes in, I could never tire of them.

Oh fuck! Let me out!!!! I'm so bored!!!!!!!!!!!!!

Aaaaaaaaaaahhhhhhhhhh!!!!!!!!!!!!

When is this fucking play going to finish? Now? Oh no. Now? Oh no. NOW?!?!?!? Fuck! Come one! Please! I can't take it any more. Pleeeeeeeeeeeeeaaaaaaaaaase!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

Somebody help me! I can't yell at the stage. I WANT to. Christ I want to but I have three friends up there. Three!

What am I going to say to them after the show?

If I bite into that wooden railing will it hurt my teeth? If I walk over and smash my head on that wall will anyone notice?

I hate theatre. I HATE IT! I don't care if it has hitherto been a passion of mine, I herein renounce any love I've ever had for it. I should have listened to roguemaze long ago. Die theatre, die! Oh, you just did. I was wondering what that smell was.

Of fuck, thank Christ. It's OVER.

Yes, champagne please. With a dash of vodka in it? Oh thanks. Excellent.

PS (I know the bitchy pants came back on but there was no love to be had in this review)

*Good ones too but fuck - what could they do? It was like watching people in jail. Hell perhaps.