Auntie Darcy's Wine Tour Tips
Things to remember if you ever take a tour of the Barossa Valley in a stretch Chevrolet limousine:
1. Eat substantially before you leave if you want to remember any of it.
2. If you plan a 10am pick up on Sunday morning make sure you invite people who are hard and will actually get up and be there, no matter what they did the night before.
3. In fact, make sure you invite spunky people only because you have to look at them all day and let’s face it, it’s a very sexy limo and it’s gonna get a bit weird in there after eight hours.
4. If you really want to learn anything about wine, perhaps don’t start on the champagne provided by the limo at 10am.
5. Bring CDs!!!!! Oh Lord, bring CDs. (Unless you LIKE Adelaide top 40). Barry White is a must.
6. Bring sunglasses and lots of money.
7. Bring a hot date.
8. Make sure you wear knickers (or jocks) lest you jizz all over the blue valour seats.
9. Eat lunch somewhere hot as soon as you get there.
10. Don’t take a pill at lunch unless you are determined to cheat on your girlfriend.
11. Choose small wineries for good service, attention and wine and ones that aren’t down a dirt road ‘cause Gino won’t drive down a dirt road, lest he get stone chips on the Chev.
12. If a woman with bright pink nail polish gives you bright pink lip, smack the bitch over the head with a bottle of Grant Burge.
13. Don’t go to Grant Burge. (Unless you want some of their super sexy 2003 Merlot for only $13 a bottle!!!! Or you want to roll around on their rather stunning lawns in a drunken, group stupor)
14. Go to Grant Burge
15. Nah, just don’t.
16. If you want to make Gino stop for drugs on the way home, make sure he doesn’t end his shift an hour over time.
17. See if you can do better than a bottle of Scotch to apologise.
1. Eat substantially before you leave if you want to remember any of it.
2. If you plan a 10am pick up on Sunday morning make sure you invite people who are hard and will actually get up and be there, no matter what they did the night before.
3. In fact, make sure you invite spunky people only because you have to look at them all day and let’s face it, it’s a very sexy limo and it’s gonna get a bit weird in there after eight hours.
4. If you really want to learn anything about wine, perhaps don’t start on the champagne provided by the limo at 10am.
5. Bring CDs!!!!! Oh Lord, bring CDs. (Unless you LIKE Adelaide top 40). Barry White is a must.
6. Bring sunglasses and lots of money.
7. Bring a hot date.
8. Make sure you wear knickers (or jocks) lest you jizz all over the blue valour seats.
9. Eat lunch somewhere hot as soon as you get there.
10. Don’t take a pill at lunch unless you are determined to cheat on your girlfriend.
11. Choose small wineries for good service, attention and wine and ones that aren’t down a dirt road ‘cause Gino won’t drive down a dirt road, lest he get stone chips on the Chev.
12. If a woman with bright pink nail polish gives you bright pink lip, smack the bitch over the head with a bottle of Grant Burge.
13. Don’t go to Grant Burge. (Unless you want some of their super sexy 2003 Merlot for only $13 a bottle!!!! Or you want to roll around on their rather stunning lawns in a drunken, group stupor)
14. Go to Grant Burge
15. Nah, just don’t.
16. If you want to make Gino stop for drugs on the way home, make sure he doesn’t end his shift an hour over time.
17. See if you can do better than a bottle of Scotch to apologise.
posted by Darcy at 2:57 PM
4 Comments:
you theatre people.
you had me at "eat substantially".
what's a hard person? as in invite people who are hard?
[waits, ready to titter]
Well Melbournegirl, if you want double the fun, yes. But think "did I bring protection?" and "does Gino's wife have to clean up the mess from the blue velevet interior?" These questions may affect your answer.
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