Don't get over him/her, get even.
Ah, sweet revenge. Nobody ever attatches other adjectives to revenge like bitter or green or wrong. Because it is sweet. Sweet like chocolate mousse sucked off a nipple. Sweet like tropical fruit salad in Thailand. Sweet like sweet sweet things in a sweet store.
There is something deeply satisfying and cleansing about revenge. Strange, coming from a tree hugging pacifst, I know but it's true. I'm not talking violence here. I'm not talking tying them up and making them eat dog food whilst watching you strip naked and fuck their best friend. I'm not talking cutting them up into tiny pieces and burying them in the forest. I'm not some kind of sicko. I just get a little kick out of making them suffer a bit. It kinda makes me smile.
Here are some suggestions that I have heard of over the years:
1. Borrow their car whilst they are "away on business" and drive it back and forth through the red light camera"
2. Unscrew the bed posts on their four poster, fill them with prawns and screw the brass knobs back on. They will never find the source of the smell and it will only get worse (better) over time. (I once did something similar to my sister when we were kids. Tired of her always having the last word or last kick in the stomach or scratch to eyeball, I thought I would steal the priviledge by pissing in one of her shoes and returning it to her cupboard. Brilliant.)
3. Stick his/her toothbrush up your arse or down then toilet, take a photo and leave the photo somewhere where he/she will find it AFTER brushing his/her teeth. Make sure you have left first and taken all your possessions with you.
4. Destroy his/her entire CD collection. (I almost did this once but missed my chance. Kicked myself for days but am pretty glad I didn't do it now or I wouldn't be back together with him now.)
5. This one is a beauty. Wait til he/she is out, bring the hose in the house and saturate his/her entire wardrobe, carpet, bedding and furniture, sprinkle the whole house with alfalfa seeds, turn up the central heating full blast, close all the doors and leave.
I'm telling you it works.
I take no reponsibilty, however, for any outcomes should you choose to try any of the above at home.
Good luck and may you not have any reason to seek revenge.
There is something deeply satisfying and cleansing about revenge. Strange, coming from a tree hugging pacifst, I know but it's true. I'm not talking violence here. I'm not talking tying them up and making them eat dog food whilst watching you strip naked and fuck their best friend. I'm not talking cutting them up into tiny pieces and burying them in the forest. I'm not some kind of sicko. I just get a little kick out of making them suffer a bit. It kinda makes me smile.
Here are some suggestions that I have heard of over the years:
1. Borrow their car whilst they are "away on business" and drive it back and forth through the red light camera"
2. Unscrew the bed posts on their four poster, fill them with prawns and screw the brass knobs back on. They will never find the source of the smell and it will only get worse (better) over time. (I once did something similar to my sister when we were kids. Tired of her always having the last word or last kick in the stomach or scratch to eyeball, I thought I would steal the priviledge by pissing in one of her shoes and returning it to her cupboard. Brilliant.)
3. Stick his/her toothbrush up your arse or down then toilet, take a photo and leave the photo somewhere where he/she will find it AFTER brushing his/her teeth. Make sure you have left first and taken all your possessions with you.
4. Destroy his/her entire CD collection. (I almost did this once but missed my chance. Kicked myself for days but am pretty glad I didn't do it now or I wouldn't be back together with him now.)
5. This one is a beauty. Wait til he/she is out, bring the hose in the house and saturate his/her entire wardrobe, carpet, bedding and furniture, sprinkle the whole house with alfalfa seeds, turn up the central heating full blast, close all the doors and leave.
I'm telling you it works.
I take no reponsibilty, however, for any outcomes should you choose to try any of the above at home.
Good luck and may you not have any reason to seek revenge.
posted by Darcy at 1:43 PM
7 Comments:
This comment has been removed by a blog administrator.
Nice blogg. Although You told me all this at apub the other night. I would like to say it was interesting - but jokes are rarely funny twice.
I still love you though and anxiously await your new entry. You are a great blogger.
Maybe this one was for the benefit of other bloggers, esp. the heart broken.
Where have all my loyal friends gone??
hey beautiful girl.
was lovely seeing you in the flesh last night.
you. me. girlieness. soon.
and if you feel like belting out a tune, come to karaoke with me and mine on wednesday night.
sheesh! stalker much?
whatevs.
Alfalfa is genius. Now if only I had an opportunity to use the idea... But I don't hate anyone at the moment. Drat.
Regarding #3, an ex boyfriend once thought I'd just love to go for a video night at HIS ex girlfriend's house (this was a girl I hated with a passion for 'stealing' his virginity before I had the chance; this was high school...). I excused myself midway through Ace Ventura 2 and went to the bathroom; got "her" toothbrush and scrubbed all around the decidedly scungy toilet with it - then realised I couldn't confirm if it was hers or not, so did the same with all five of them.
Spotted her a few days later looking decidedly green around the gills...
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