Gentlemen

Have just spent my lunch time in a "Gentlemen's Club" in the city and I must say it has left me very confused as to the definition of the word gentleman. Not to mention the role of women in the lives and minds of said gentlemen.

It seems to me that gentlemen can be identified by the following characteristics:

1. They wear suits or at least suit jackets.

2. They talk business whilst being entertained by writhing naked women, whom they frequently ignore, sometimes watch and occasionally applaud for a feat of athleticism or a nice rack.

3. They eat expensive meals and order expensive (only because they are over priced) alcoholic beverages.

4. They like to be served their drinks and food by scantily clad women, who will eventually strip naked for them on stage and whose breasts they are permitted to kiss and bottoms fondle as said scantily clad women sit on their laps and play the gracious hostess, as every woman should...apparently.

These four points seem to be the only ones that I could detect that set them apart from your common man. Apart from the expensive drinks in point 3.

It's interesting that the term "gentleman" doesn't quite describe the man that I had always imagined when I heard that word as a young'n'. So I guess I have been fooled all these years into thinking that a gentleman is something akin to what he used to be in ye olde days. I even thought I knew a few but perhaps they are something else. Perhaps there is another word for them..."special"? No, that has been appropriated by retards. They are rare however, and somewhat unique, these men. But certainly not retarded. However I'm sure there are retarded gentlemen - damn, I misused that word again. I'm stuck.

So a gentleman today, is not what he used to be. No, we have come a long way, from amoeba to amphibians to prime mates, Neanderthal (I'm jumping, obviously), Homo Erectus (still loads of erect homos around), through all ages of man: pre-Christian animal worshipping heathens, The Dark Ages, The Renaissance, Edwardian, Victorian...all the way through sexual revolutions to the sophisticated present day. At last, we are all grown up and equal.

For a while there we kid ourselves that "gentlemen" were respectful of all people, regardless of their sex, race or social status and that they viewed the world with an educated and well balanced mind and went about their day performing kind deeds and behaving in a generally gentle manner, hence the name. Not that they were pussies. Oh no - they would defend your honour in a duel to the death if push came to shove.

But now, in our post post modern world, we realise what a silly joke that was. A gentleman, in fact, is in everyway the same as who he was before he started walking erect on two legs, apart from the fact that he wears a suit and all that other stuff mentioned in the four above points.

Most men, however, regardless of whether or not they fit in to the above category, seem to like the same qualities in a woman. They don't always tell you that they do, but in secret, they do.

They seem to be:

1. Boobs. Doesn't matter if they are real or fake, as long as they are relatively perky, preferably above A cup and have nipples.

2. Long hair that you can fling around.

3. Pussy. Preferably not too hairy or not hairy at all.

4. Arse. Preferably perky, hair free.

5. Smiles. Big ones. Gotta love doing things for the gentlemen.

And she should perform the following functions:

1. Serve food and drinks at the beck and call of the gentlemen, wearing little and being available to be touched.

2. Smile all the time and make sure he has everything he wants.

3. Touch herself erotically.

4. Spread herself, thrust herself and shake herself in his general direction frequently so he knows she is up for it all the time.

5. Pout so it looks like she can suck cock.

6. Suck cock.

7. Be wet and hot for it all the time.

8. Root on cue, whenever he wants and don't expect a root when she wants one.

9. Be groomed, hairless, odour free and disease free.

10. Only wear clothes that accentuate the parts that gentlemen like, ie/short, tight, high heels, strappy everything, less is more etc. Comfort is a right reserved for gentlemen only.

11. Stay fit and slim and keep up to date with how gentlemen wish her to look.

12. Fuck, suck, shake, jiggle, dance, mount, lick, take it, clean, cook, say "thank you", shave, moan, sit, roll over, shut up.

13. Generally be subservient at all times, except when being dominant, which is being subservient anyway because it is what the gentleman wants (she must realise that her sole purpose is to make him happy) and generally attend to his every need with glee.

So, thank God I worked that out, 'cause I have to admit (and this is embarassing but I am naive) that I was under the impression that things had changed and gentlemen appreciated other qualities in women now. That the above were no longer an essential part of the equation. That women no longer had to fulfill all of the above criteria, but not so. I kind of suspected it from the age of about 12, but never really wanted to believe it. So I sort of pretended it wasn't true so I could feel safe in the cocoon of my comfy shoes and self respect. It's a bit like weening yourself off Santa. You know. You know you know but it was such a good story, you don't want to let go.

Strangely though, it is like a secret with gentlemen. It's code. Things are unsaid in these sophisticted times. So if they're not getting it at home from their wives/partners, they're going in secret groups to get it elsewhere. These such needs are catered for by Gentlemen's Clubs and other lesser versions of the same for the not so gentlemanly but still male. And if they're not attending such clubs they are watching it on DVD or looking at it in magazines or on the net. And if they're not viewing it in any of these widely available publications, they are having wet dreams about it. But they do want it.

So anyway, I'm getting with the programme. It's time to get ahead. I'm going to keep growing my hair long 'cause it doesn't flick so good yet and I'm going to get everything else below my nose waxed. I think I get it now.